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<title>i won't hesitate for you by steverogerstrash (theyvegotthisspellonme)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26033137">i won't hesitate for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyvegotthisspellonme/pseuds/steverogerstrash'>steverogerstrash (theyvegotthisspellonme)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>happiness begins [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s01e13 The Conscience of the King, Kid Fic, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Tarsus IV, tarsus trauma umbrella but not graphic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:48:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26033137</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyvegotthisspellonme/pseuds/steverogerstrash</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>For the first time since he left Tarsus, Jim’s smile doesn’t feel strained. T’Mai reaches up from his lap and pats him gently on the face. There’s a stream of happy-safe-content that makes Jim want to straighten her hair and press kisses to her forehead. It’s hard to resist, but he manages. Amanda grins at him, face soft, like she understands.</i><br/>“I hope you can take her with you.” Amanda murmurs. “You’ll be good for each other.” Jim doesn’t answer her, but he knows she’s right.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>happiness begins [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970578</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>433</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i thank the oceans for giving me you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23091661">like blood, the stars</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrex/pseuds/startrex">startrex</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*rolls up to the Star Trek fandom SO LATE with a coffee* hi </p><p>this fic was inspired by so many other amazing fics. like, so many. </p><p>title from Hesitate by the Jonas Brothers</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jim smooths a hand over T’Mai's hair, flattening her bangs against her forehead. She doesn’t stir, unwilling, even in sleep, to move from his side. Not that he can blame her, really. She’s hardly been out of his sight since he got back to Earth. The whole thing with Nero, the destruction of Vulcan… part of him still can’t believe that he’d willingly beamed down to an imploding planet. T’Mai, to her credit, had assured him that he’d done the right thing, and he knows that she’s right, but he can’t help but think about what could have gone wrong, now that the danger’s passed. If he’d slipped, if that Chekov kid was any less skilled than he’s already proven to be. But at least one more person is alive because of what he did, and he can’t feel bad for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Amanda Grayson is the only person that sits with Jim the whole time the Vulcan High Council is deciding whether or not he can keep T’Mai. Winona is around somewhere, but she can’t look at Jim, and she’s at her best when she’s yelling at people, anyway. So Amanda sits with him, and tells her about her son and their family. Eventually, Winona comes back, muttering about how she’s really too young to be a grandmother. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, Jimmy. You couldn’t have waited a few more years?” She’s teasing, mostly, but Jim is grateful for it. Maybe things can go back to normal after all.  And she’s right, too. Jim, for all the reckless things he’s done, had never thought he would end up with a baby at sixteen. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry, ma.” For the first time since he left Tarsus, Jim’s smile doesn’t feel strained. T’Mai reaches up from his lap and pats him gently on the face. There’s a stream of </span>
  </em>
  <span>happy-safe-content </span>
  <em>
    <span>that makes Jim want to straighten her hair and press kisses to her forehead. It’s hard to resist, but he manages. Amanda grins at him, face soft, like she understands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I hope you can take her with you.” Amanda murmurs. “You’ll be good for each other.” Jim doesn’t answer her, but he knows she’s right.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They aren’t kept waiting much longer after that, an older Vulcan calling Jim back into their chamber alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We have determined, taking into consideration your bond with the child T’Mai and… other evidence,” the elder pauses, eyes flicking to another Vulcan in dark robes “that the child would be best served by remaining in your care.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you.” Jim’s head is swimming. He gets to keep T’Mai. He’s going to take her back to Earth with him. He walks out of the council chamber on air. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“For what it’s worth, ma, I think you’ll make a great grandma.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shut it, Jimmy.” But they’re both laughing, and Jim feels like things might settle into some new kind of normal. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father?” T’Mai asks, quietly breaking Jim out of his thoughts. “Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m always okay when I’m with you.” He answers truthfully, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She allows it, which he’s grateful for. Jim tries to limit physical expressions of affection, knows the reasons Vulcans put such a high premium on personal space. But T’Mai has always indulged him, at least a little, and he’s thankful for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you thinking about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The day we were on Vulcan. When they told me I got to keep you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The best day of your life.” T’Mai’s grin is soft as she repeats what he’s told her so many times he’s lost count. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn straight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m excited to get on the Enterprise. There will be many opportunities that would not be available to me on Earth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as you’re sure that you don’t want to join the new Vulcan colony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim has done the best he can to keep her as connected to her Vulcan heritage as he can, but his resources are limited. There are more resources than there used to be, which he’s thankful for, but Vulcans have always been rather tight-lipped. They hadn’t been happy about letting Jim take T’Mai off-planet, hadn’t wanted her to be raised by a human, he could tell. He hadn’t wanted to push his luck beyond that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have told you that I would much rather board the Enterprise with you, father. I am… I admit that I have concerns about how we would be treated if we were to join the colony on New Vulcan. Even though Lady Amanda would be there to support us…” T’Mai trails off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have the same concerns.” Jim admits. “But I just wanted to make sure that this is something that we both want. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I were to make a decision without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate that, father.” She settles back into his side, content. Jim knows that even this has a time limit, but he doesn’t question it. It’s been rough recently, and Jim is glad to have her with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai sat with Winona at the ceremony. Jim could see them from where he was standing, together in the front row, both of them beaming. He knew that Winona had never wanted him to join Starfleet, never wanted either of her sons to go to space. Sam hadn’t been able to get a transport from Deneva, but they’d talk later. Jim would see if they could get shore leave somewhere that Sam and his family could get to. T’Mai loves her cousins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai pushes through the crowd, ignoring the push of bodies in the hallway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father!” She calls, grin stretching across her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, cutie.” He lifts her into the air, swinging her in a circle. T’Mai had always been small for her age, something Bones had assured him wasn’t an issue. The working theory was that it had something to do with Tarsus, lack of nutrients during a crucial stage of development. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sets T’Mai down carefully, leaning over to give his mom a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m proud of you, baby. You’re gonna be amazing.” She pulls back, wiping a tear off her cheek. “You need an engineer on that ship of yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, ma. You’d have to fight Scotty for it, and I don’t think he’d play fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t either, for the Enterprise. Now, come on. We have dinner reservations.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father, when do we board the Enterprise?” T’Mai asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When she’s ready for us, kiddo. It won’t be for another couple weeks, at least. Scotty will let us know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai nods, thinking it over. They had to delay Enterprise’s launch to refit parts of the ship to accommodate her; a bedroom on the same corridor as Jim’s, a room dedicated to her studies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go see her?” Jim asks. T’Mai looks up sharply, an eyebrow raised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Enterprise. The dock’s not too far from here. Let’s go for a walk.” Jim stands, reaching a hand towards his daughter. T’Mai smiles as she takes it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wander through the city slowly, taking in the sights. T’Mai had moved to San Francisco with Jim when he joined the academy, but they hadn’t had much time to really explore between both her classes and Jim’s own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you most looking forward to about space, father?” T’Mai asks. Jim looks over at her, but she’s looking up, past the clouds. Jim can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of it, baby girl. The stars, the planets, the exploration. Doing it all with you.” He tugs at the edge of her hat as he says it, pulling the edge ever so slightly out of place. T’Mai almost rolls her eyes at him. “But the most important part is that I get to do it with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, too, am quite glad that we are embarking on this together.” She admits. Jim wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, kiddo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too, father.” She pulls him closer for a quick hug, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “Is that the Enterprise?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s her. Ready?” T’Mai nods. Jim grins, then leads the most important girl in his life to meet the runner up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are a few members of the crew bustling around the ship when Jim and T’Mai come on board. Sulu is fussing in the botany lab when they stop by, but is more than happy to take a break to talk to his guests, especially when T’Mai starts asking questions about the plants he’s been cultivating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you were so interested in botany.” Jim teases as they leave. T’Mai shrugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I find that I have a growing interest in many fields of science. Perhaps some of my time aboard the Enterprise can be dedicated to studying them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course it can, darling. There’ll be plenty of incredibly qualified people who can teach you all kinds of things. We’ll have to do a little bit of schedule finagling, but I’m sure we can make it work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” T’Mai smiles up at him. “What else can we see today?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything we want. This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>our</span>
  </em>
  <span> ship.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai is delighted to move into her room on the Enterprise. She wanders around, clearly excited, running her hands over the walls, deciding where to put her things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father,” she says seriously. “I think these quarters are bigger than our entire apartment in San Francisco.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know about that, but they’re pretty nice, huh? And mine are right next door if you ever need me.” T’Mai nods, but Jim is pretty sure she’s not listening. Jim sets her box on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need any help getting unpacked?” Her boxes are stacked neatly in the corner of the room, brought in by some poor sap whose job Jim was immensely grateful wasn’t his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I will be okay.” And Jim knows a dismissal when he hears one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, baby girl. I’ll be next door if you need me.” He laughs before leaning over to press a kiss to the top of her head. He can hear her murmuring to herself as the door slides shut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim heads back to his own quarters, presumably to unpack. He takes one look at the boxes stacked in the corner of the room, though, and throws himself face-first on the bed. It’s not even that he has that much </span>
  <em>
    <span>stuff</span>
  </em>
  <span>, more that he just does not want to deal with it right now. That’s a problem for future Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he hears is T’Mai softly calling his name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father? It is time for dinner.” She shakes his shoulder gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘M awake. Wha’ time is it?” Jim asks, rolling onto his back. T’Mai lays down next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is 1913 ship time.” She pauses. “Do we have to go to the mess hall, father? I think I would prefer to eat here tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can do whatever you want, baby girl. What are you in the mood for?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can the replicator make pizza?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure we can get it to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim goes back and forth on bringing T’Mai to his first official alpha shift. She’s made it clear that she wants to come, to meet the alpha crew officially.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even just for a little bit, father? I think that it would be good for both myself and the crew.” T’Mai grins up at him. Jim looks away - she knows he has a hard time saying no when she smiles at him like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’d really only met Sulu, that one time in the botany lab. She can put faces and names together for the rest of the crew, and she’d seen Uhura around the Academy campus a few times. And Jim knows how eager she is to meet Spock. He sighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. But you have to behave.” T’Mai beams at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you!” She leans up on her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And,” Jim pauses, turning to pull something out of a drawer, “you have to wear this.” He hands her a gold command shirt. It might be a touch big on her, but Jim loves it. By the look on her face, so does T’Mai.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They make their way to the bridge together. T’Mai is chattering excitedly, giving voice to every thought that comes through her head. She falls quiet, though, as the turbolift brings them closer to the bridge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready?” Jim asks, looking down at her. T’Mai nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, baby girl. I’m nervous, too.” Jim admits. T’Mai looks up at him, surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are never nervous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know that’s not true. But come on. It’s time to do this thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai seems to settle at his words, taking a deep breath and standing up marginally straighter. Jim is struck, again, by how much he loves the girl standing beside him. How lucky he is, despite everything they went through together, to have her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keptin on the bridge.” Chekov calls. Jim grins at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you’re all ready for this. But before we get started, there’s someone very important to me that I’d like you to meet.” He steps aside, giving T’Mai space to step forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello. I am T’Mai Kirk.” She waves shyly, but holds her ground, not hiding behind Jim. Sulu winks at her. She smiles back, the corners of her mouth curving up slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Welcome aboard, T’Mai.” Uhura says, her Vulcan flawless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” T’Mai responds in kind. The rest of the bridge crew relaxes visibly, other than Spock. Jim manages to bite down his sigh, then nudges T’Mai. He nods towards the Vulcan when she looks up at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai walks closer to Spock’s station, raising her hand in the ta’al.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father speaks highly of you, Commander Spock. I am quite pleased to meet you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“While I was admittedly unaware that the captain had a child, I am sure that our acquaintance will be fulfilling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, then drops into his chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Who’s ready for space?” There’s a chorus of agreement from the bridge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Sulu, let’s get the hell out of here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai cheers with the crew as the Enterprise pulls away from the dock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim takes a few minutes to make sure that T’Mai is settled before he seeks out Spock. She’s started on her coursework already, absorbing herself in some kind of physics. He’s trying not to be too offended that T’Mai hadn’t been particularly interested in his company tonight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father, I think you should go speak with Commander Spock. I must get started on my studies, anyway. I will see you later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sighs. “You’re right. I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so Jim finds himself standing in front of the door to Spock’s quarters, debating what, exactly, he should tell him. He likes to think that the time they spent together while the Enterprise was undergoing repair was the beginning of the legendary friendship Spock Prime had told him about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim takes a deep breath, then knocks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain?” Spock looks surprised to see him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I’ve told you to call me Jim. But, how are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am adequate, captain.” And really, that's what Jim should have expected. He sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I should have told you. I'm sorry. It's just… it's a really long story, and not something I want to go into right now. But I've been taking care of T'Mai since I was… god, fourteen? I lived down the road from her parents. When they needed a babysitter, I was around. And when they… couldn't take care of her anymore, well. There I was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I understand.” It's pretty clear to Jim that Spock doesn't, but he appreciates the effort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"One day, Spock, I'll explain it to you. But now isn't the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Your trust in me is gratifying… Jim. It seems that you are doing an admirable job in raising T’Mai. If you are amenable, and T’Mai is interested, I would like to provide her with additional information regarding the culture and practices of Vulcans.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha- Spock, that would be amazing. I’ve been trying my best, but there’s only so much that I can do. I’m afraid… I want her to be connected to that. Thank you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. If there is nothing else you need, I would like to take this time to meditate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course. And thank you again, Spock.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock nods. Jim lets the door slide shut behind him as he starts back towards his own quarters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim has been staring at his PADD for a while when T’Mai comes in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You spoke with him.” It’s not quite a question, but Jim nods anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did. He wants to help you, actually. There’s a lot he can teach you that I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. You should talk to him about it tomorrow. Now, though, I think it’s time for bed. For both of us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree. I find that I am quite tired.” She fights back a yawn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, kiddo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He follows her back to her cabin, grateful that she still lets him tuck her into bed. She falls asleep almost immediately - it’s been a long day for both of them. Jim presses a kiss to her forehead before making his way back to his own quarters. He gets ready for bed on autopilot, lost in thoughts about space and T’Mai and, if he’s honest with himself, Spock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. just tell me where to start</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I didn't mean to take this long writing chapter two, but it's here now and I'm really happy with it, so I hope you enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Jim’s first time off-planet was when he left Earth for Tarsus IV. The transport is full of kids his age, probably all named troublemakers like him. It’s not his fault, though. The car… the car had been the last of his dad’s things. Who was Frank to sell it some random stranger? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And the trouble at school was more the fault of the other kids than it was Jim’s. It’s not his fault that he’s smarter than them, that he’s the only one that seems to want to leave Riverside. Iowa is </span>
  </em>
  <span>boring</span>
  <em>
    <span>. And Jim Kirk doesn’t do well when he’s bored. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Frank finds </span>
  </em>
  <span>that</span>
  <em>
    <span> out shortly after Sam leaves. Winona is in deep space, practically unreachable. Not that Jim is sure that he wants to be able to reach her. She had, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him on Earth with some guy that was apparently okay with coming second place - it had been Frank himself that told Jim about his crush on Winona despite her relationship with George. It made Jim like him even less.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was also pretty clear that Frank hadn’t expected to be left dirtside with Winona’s kids, even if Sam was technically old enough that he could keep Jim out of trouble on his own. Someone else might feel bad for him, stuck alone with Winona’s bratty, too-smart eleven year old. Jim doesn’t, but that’s because Franks treats him like shit. It’s only part of the reason he adds himself to the passenger list of a shuttle heading for the new agricultural colony on Tarsus IV. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The crew of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>has adapted surprisingly well to having a twelve-year-old Vulcan on board, even if she was raised by Jim Kirk. But the alpha bridge crew, at the very least, has done their best to make her feel welcome, like she’s a member of the crew rather than just the captain’s kid. Spock especially, Jim’s noticed, has taken T’Mai’s presence on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>into step. He helps her with what he can, but it seems to go beyond that. Like they’re friends, almost. As friendly as two Vulcans can be, at least. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How was your morning, darling?” Jim asks as T’Mai takes her seat across from him in the officers’ mess.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Quite productive, father. And Lieutenant Sulu will be instructing me in botany after our meal. I admit that I have been looking forward to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So has he, we talked about it during shift today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Were you not otherwise occupied on the bridge?” T’Mai looks concerned. Jim laughs a little, shaking his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I appreciate the concern, but there’s not too much for us to do when we’re at warp like this.” He gestures vaguely to the air around them, though there are no windows in the mess hall. “And I like to take whatever opportunities I can to get to know my crew better.” He wasn’t sure how any of the other, more experienced captains ran their ships, but it made Jim feel better to think that he was at least making an effort. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That seems… logical.” T’Mai agrees. Jim’s smile widens.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your lessons with Commander Spock have been going well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They have. He has taught me better ways to meditate as well as ways to better maintain mental shields. The commander has also been assisting me in keeping up with some of my other studies. Although I find that sometimes I would prefer you to help me with my homework.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anytime you need, darling. You know where I am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even if you are participating in active duty on the bridge?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even then.” Jim promises. T’Mai tilts her head, considering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will take this under consideration and endeavor not to interrupt alpha shift in the event of an emergency.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I appreciate the consideration.” T’Mai nods, then turns her attention back to the food in front of her. Jim grins at the top of her head. He’s hit, again, by just how much he loves her, how lucky he is to have her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look thoughtful.” Bones mutters, sliding into the seat next to Jim. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just thinking about her.” Jim admits, shrugging. He half expects Bones to make some kind of quip, but the doctor just nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know the feeling. I’d love to have Jo out here with us, but Joss would never go for it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You never know, Bones. We’d love to have her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe one day, kid. Maybe.” But he looks less sad as he tucks into his lunch. If Jim smiles to himself before taking another bite of his sandwich, it’s no one else’s business. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Spock is waiting for Jim outside his quarters when he gets back from an impromptu stint in engineering. Jim loves to get down there - though it’s not as often as he’d like - and help out, poking around in the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s systems. He likes to get to know her, too. There are some people out there who believe that the only relationship a captain should have is with their ship, and while Jim isn’t quite </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>dedicated to his lady, his relationship with the ship is important to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mr. Spock, what can I do for you?” Jim asks, keying in the code to open the door to his quarters. He steps inside, gesturing for Spock to follow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I get you anything?” Jim stops at the replicator, punching in the code for tea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tea, please, Captain.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim programs in another tea, handing the first to Spock. He nods his thanks, raising the cup to his lips before lowering it, clearly surprised.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know it’s not the most traditional spice tea, but it’s pretty close, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Incredibly.” Spock agrees. “It reminds me of my childhood.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“T’Mai’s parents introduced me to it.” Jim admits. “But that’s not why you’re here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is correct. I wanted to speak with you about T’Mai. She is often… restless, I believe is the best word. She is very intelligent, and it seems she is being properly challenged on board the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But she has… I believe the phrase is ‘energy to burn’.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She gets that from me.” Jim laughs. “Am I right in assuming that you have a solution in mind?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Captain. I believe that T’Mai would benefit from learning Suus Mahna, a traditional Vulcan form of self defense. I have some training myself, and would be willing to pass the knowledge along to her.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You should suggest it to her, then. I think it’s a fantastic idea. I’ve been trying to figure out a way for her to work off some of that energy… and I think it will be valuable for her to know how to defend herself. You never know what could happen all the way out here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will mention it to her during our lesson tomorrow, then. Thank you for the tea, Captain.” Spock pauses, taking in Jim’s raised eyebrows. “Thank you… Jim.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Any time, Spock.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim grins at the way T’Mai’s face lights up when she hears him come in. She’s sitting at her desk, focused on the PADD in front of her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Father!” She jumps out of her seat, coursework abandoned. The hug she gives him is brief, but he loves it all the same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, kiddo. Sorry I missed lunch, the Admiralty needed me.” Jim pulls a face, earning him the ghost of a smile from T’Mai. “But I thought we could make up for it now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is acceptable. Do you have an activity in mind?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought we could go on a walk, then maybe I could teach you to play chess. Does that sound good?” And maybe Jim feels a little bad because they’re on their way to their first formal diplomatic mission, and Jim hasn’t been able to spend that much time with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would like that very much. I admit that I have missed our evenings together, though I know that you have had important matters to attend to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing is as important to me as you are,  I know you know that. But, unfortunately, there are only so many hours in the day, and our working hours don’t often line up well with working hours on different planets.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand. I am glad that we have time together this ship’s evening.” T’Mai smiles at him, taking his hand as they continue down the hall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s mid-shift, so the halls are mostly empty. There are a few members of the Alpha crew in the mess when Jim and T’Mai stop to grab something to eat - late for both of them, though Jim had been in conference with too many people that outranked him at that point. He considered it lucky, though, that Spock was there with him, keeping him from losing his shit entirely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They haven’t been in space for too long, now, coming up on six months, but Jim has become increasingly reliant on his first officer. He’s not particularly sure that it’s a good thing, but it hasn’t proven to be a bad thing, so he’s rolling with it. It’s made it easier for Jim to skip out on some of the away missions they’ve had, especially the ones where teams have had to beam down to planets with potentially hostile lifeforms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having Spock there, knowing that he can take care of things sometimes, makes it easier for Jim to be a captain and a parent at the same time. He’s not sure that Spock knows just how much that means to him. To be honest, Jim isn’t quite sure how to tell him. Lately, though, Jim’s had a hard time figuring out how to tell Spock much of anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d thought about saying something to Bones, but decided against it. Jim didn’t want anyone to know, really, that he’s been harboring a crush on his first officer. Not that it matters, anyway, he reminds himself as he listens to T’Mai explain the experiment that Sulu is letting her help with in the botany lab. No matter Jim’s feelings for anyone, he has to put T’Mai first. And even though a disaster with Spock might not affect T’Mai’s relationship with him while they were on the ship, there was no telling what would happen once the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>docked. Jim sighs. T’Mai looks up at him, clearly concerned, but Jim just shakes his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you started working with Lieutenant Uhura? She mentioned that you asked her for help with some… linguistic stuff.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We are starting next week.” It’s clear to Jim she’s holding back a laugh, so he nudges her shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For linguistic-y stuff. Languages and all that.” He wiggles his fingers around, sticking his tongue out. T’Mai won’t look at him, but she busts out laughing anyway, pushing his hands away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Father, please!” She’s laughing too much to say anything else. Jim laughs with her, scooping her up over his shoulder. “Father!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno, kiddo. You were looking kinda tired. Are you sure you don’t want me to just carry you back to your quarters? It’s getting late, you had a busy day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Put me down!” She squirms, pushing against his back. “Father!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“T’Mai? Are you asleep? Ah, I knew you were tired. Alright, come on, time for little Vulcans to go to bed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Father, no. I wanted to see the stars.” Jim can hear the pout in her voice and hugs her tighter for it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>T’Mai falls asleep while they sit on the observation deck, her head resting on Jim’s shoulder. She stirs when Jim picks her up, but not much, settling again as they make their way back to crew quarters. It’s late, somewhere around 2030 ship’s time, and Jim would hate to wake her. The crew they pass is blessedly quiet, even though they all look like they want to take pictures of the ‘Fleet’s youngest captain carrying his kid through the halls of his ship. Jim ignores them. He absolutely does not glare at them and definitely does not threaten their jobs if they so much as raise their PADD (they know he doesn’t mean it. Hopefully). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim runs into Spock as he turns onto their hallway, T’Mai still asleep against his shoulder. Spock looks like he wants to say something but stops himself, stepping aside to let Jim pass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me just get her to bed.” Jim whispers, readjusting his grip. Spock nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim takes his time putting T’Mai to bed even though Spock is waiting for him in the hall. She stirs as the door slides shut behind them, so Jim helps her into her pajamas before tucking her into bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sleep well, darling.” Jim murmurs, smoothing the blanket over T’Mai’s shoulders. He presses a kiss to her forehead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good night, Father.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim takes a deep breath before he steps back into the bright light of the hallway where his first officer is waiting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. if only I could read your mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>oof I wrote the end of this instead of sleeping but I wanted to post so here it is! ahead lies tarsus, so be warned</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Everything okay, Spock?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, captain. I admit that your arrival with T’Mai surprised me. It is not common for Vulcan children to be touched so openly once they are as old as T’Mai.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And by ‘not common’ you mean ‘never done’, right? I know a few things about Vulcan culture. I had a… contact. On Vulcan.” Jim admits.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“May I ask who?” Spock raises an eyebrow. Jim shrugs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come, sit.” Jim sits heavily on the couch, not waiting for Spock to join him before continuing. “A human woman, actually. Amanda. She helped me out a lot. She’s part of the reason I got to keep T’Mai.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My mother spoke of you often during my childhood, though I did not realize that it was you she was speaking of until now. She was pleased that there was another in a position similar to hers, though she never mentioned that the other human parent to a Vulcan was so much younger than she.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your… Amanda is your mother?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, cap- Jim.” Spock corrects himself at the look on Jim’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re friends, Spock. I don’t walk around the ship calling you ‘commander’ all the time. Besides, you’re helping me raise my kid. I think we can drop the formalities, at least while we’re off duty.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are correct, Jim. I am gratified that you allow me to play such a large role in T’Mai’s life.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And that’s the thing, isn’t it?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jim asks himself. Spock is such a huge part of T’Mai’s life now, the only other Vulcan she’s known since she was a baby. There’s nothing Jim would do to take that relationship from her, no matter he might feel about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jim,” Spock pauses. Jim can almost see the wheels turning as he thinks about what he wants to say. “If I may ask, how did T’Mai come to be in your care? It is quite clear that she is thriving, but I cannot think of any reason that she would have been separated from her birth parents.” And Jim must be getting better at reading Vulcan expressions because Spock looks baffled, even though there’s not even an eyebrow out of place. Jim sighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a… it’s a long story, Spock. The short version, though… her parents were killed, and I was the only one there to take care of her. There wasn’t anyone else to do it. By the time we got to a better situation, we’d… she’d formed a parental bond. We had to go to Vulcan, but they wouldn’t take her. Your mom said they couldn’t.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She was correct. To break such a bond, even when the parties involved are so young…” Spock trails off, looking over at Jim. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was sixteen. T’Mai was just a baby.” If Spock is surprised by this, he does a good job of hiding it. Jim is thankful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even when both parties are so young… it would be unbearable. It is likely that my father was the one to remind the council of this fact, as my mother was not allowed into the chamber during meetings.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, Mr. Spock, it seems that I am endlessly indebted to your whole family. Your parents saved my life before you ever got the chance.” And Jim is joking, kind of, but Spock doesn't look like he realizes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jim, I do not understand. What do you mean?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Jim does not want to do this tonight. They both have alpha shift tomorrow, and Jim would like to get some sleep tonight. He stifles a yawn, trying to figure out how to get Spock out of his quarters when his first officer speaks again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My apologies, Jim, I had not realized the time. Perhaps we can continue this conversation another time. Good night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good night, Spock. And… thank you.” Jim isn’t completely sure what he’s grateful for, maybe just that they aren’t having this conversation tonight, but Spock seems to know. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim seeks out Bones the next free minute they get, which means he’s stewing in his own thoughts for a few days. But there’s a night, some three days after his conversation with Spock, that T’Mai is off with Uhura and Bones finally off-shift and there’s no emergency for Jim to deal with.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bones,” Jim groans, flinging himself back onto the couch, “I’m so screwed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it this time?” Bones asks, settling into the chair across from him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spock.” Jim’s voice is muffled in the pillow he pulled over his face. Bones sighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about him?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He keeps asking all these questions. Part of me even wants to answer him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Questions about what, kid? Do I even want to know?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ha ha. They’re about T’Mai. About Tarsus.” Jim admits, looking kind of sideways at his friend. McCoy sighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need a fucking drink if we’re having this conversation.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Leonard McCoy is the first person that Jim has to tell about Tarsus. He’s also the first person that he wants to tell about T’Mai. She’s seven now, old enough to understand why Jim doesn’t like to answer the questions about how they met, or why he doesn’t tell anyone about the others that they still keep in touch with. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>McCoy walks into their shared apartment one day to Jim in front of their shared terminal, T’Mai on his lap. They’re vidcalling with someone that looks vaguely familiar, though McCoy can’t figure out why. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“... and that is when father hacked into the computer system.” T’Mai is saying, to the delight of the person on the screen.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jim?” McCoy asks. Jim turns, hands on T’Mai’s shoulders.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bones! How was the clinic?” He looks happier than Leonard’s seen him in a while. More relaxed. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine, kid. The fact that you didn’t show up made it all the better. Who’s this?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“This is Kevin! He is a family friend.” T’Mai supplies eagerly. Jim grins down at her, but McCoy doesn’t miss the look he shares with this Kevin kid.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Leonard McCoy. Nice to, uh, meet you.” McCoy waves at the camera, then disappears into his room. He doesn’t want to deal with any of the people Jim Kirk might consider a close family friend. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He forgets about it for a while, the weird vidcall pushed to the back of his mind. McCoy has just given up trying to convince Jim to get out of bed and go to class, and is walking out the door when he hears T’Mai murmur something that sounds suspiciously like the name Kevin.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So McCoy goes to his lecture alone, watches slide after slide pass by, each featuring a photo more horrifying than the last. He’d heard about the massacre on Tarsus IV, the famine that led up to it. McCoy doesn’t think much of it until they show a picture of some of the kids that actually saw him. Saw Kodos. And, unless he’s very much mistaken, one of the kids in the picture looks almost exactly like the kid Jim had been vidcalling with T’Mai. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, </span>
  </em>
  <span>shit</span>
  <em>
    <span>.” McCoy mutters. It makes a lot of sense now, why Jim had skipped class today. Why he doesn’t like to talk about where he met T’Mai, or why the Vulcans let him keep her. McCoy sighs. He has a feeling he’s about to have a long conversation with his roommate and his Vulcan daughter.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is there a reason you want to tell Spock about this now?” Bones asks carefully, taking a sip of his drink. Jim sighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just… I’m trying to make an effort to be his friend.” It sounds weak, even to Jim. He sits up, rubbing a hand over his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bullshit, Jim. What is it really?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I, um. Might have a crush on Spock.” The words come out in a rush. Jim slumps forward, elbows on his knees. He stares at the floor, avoiding the glare he can feel on the back of his neck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you do. If there was anyone in all of space that would end up with a crush on their own goddamn first officer, it would be you. I am not surprised by this information at all. And, you know what, Jim? I don’t know that many other people one this ship would be, either. Just so you know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… what?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jim. He’s practically helping you raise your daughter, who I know to be the most important in your entire life. And besides, the way you look at him is very telling. As is the fact that you never look </span>
  <em>
    <span>away </span>
  </em>
  <span>from him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bones, I’m pretty sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever you say, kid. Now finish your drink, then get back to your kid. Doctor’s orders.” And Jim grins at him, that stupid half smirk that hardly ever left his face at the academy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yessir.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>McCoy just sighs, tossing back the rest of his drink. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim makes his way back to his quarters slowly, lost in thought. What </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> changed between him and Spock, that he wanted to tell him everything? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d be lying to himself if he said that the way Spock is with T’Mai had nothing to do with it. But being good with kids - even if it’s just Jim’s kid, specifically - is so important to him. And if he finds it attractive, well, that’s a bonus. But there’s something about Spock that just makes Jim feel… grounded, and not in the way he’d dreaded as a kid, growing up in Iowa with just Sam for company while their mom was off in space. Spock feels like home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, shit.” Jim groans, rolling onto his back and throwing an arm across his eyes. He has enough shit to be dealing with already, he doesn’t need a ridiculous crush on Spock adding to it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay, father?” T’Mai asks, the door swishing closed behind her. Jim sits up, grins at her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Never better, darling. How was your evening?” He asks, patting the bed next to him. T’Mai sits, immediately tucking herself into his side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I enjoy Nyota’s company very much. She taught me how to French braid.” She ducks her head so he can see. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Looks lovely. Maybe you can teach me, too?” T’Mai nods eagerly. Jim presses a kiss to her head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stay up a while longer, cuddled together on Jim’s bed, until T’Mai falls asleep mid-sentence. She’s so cute, though, and Jim can’t bring himself to really wake her. Instead, he pulls the blanket over both of them before falling asleep himself. In his last moments of consciousness, Jim swears to himself, not for the first time, that nothing will come before T’Mai, least of all his own feelings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By some miracle, Jim’s blaring alarm doesn’t wake T’Mai in the morning. He turns it off as soon as he’s awake, watching his daughter carefully. She shifts when he gets up, but he can tell through their bond that she hasn’t woken. He lets out a relieved sigh before moving towards the bathroom to start getting ready for the day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door slides open before he can get there, though, revealing Spock, already fully dressed, with his hands clasped behind his back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spock? Everything okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Ca- Jim. I was looking for T’Mai. I was intending to ask if she would like to join me in meditation this morning.” Jim smiles when Spock corrects himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure she’d love to, but she’s still asleep.” He nods back towards the bed, where the top of T’Mai’s head is just visible above the blankets. Spock nods.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I see. I am sorry to have bothered you this early, Jim.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No worries, Spock. I was already up. And besides, I always have time for you.” Jim is kicking himself before he finishes the sentence, but Spock doesn’t look particularly disturbed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am… gratified, Jim. You should know that I am similarly available should you need me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Jim isn’t quite sure what to say to that, so he just smiles at Spock, reaching up to clap him on the shoulder. Spock nods, then makes his way back to his own quarters through their shared bathroom. Jim lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding before starting to get ready for the day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wakes her up before he leaves for alpha - she has lessons to get to, and he wants to make sure she’s up and around before he leaves for the day. She grins at him, still sleepy, but heads to her own quarters to get dressed when they step into the hall together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim makes his way to the officers’ mess to grab something to eat before heading to the bridge. McCoy nods approvingly at his banana before turning his attention back to Chapel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The beginning of alpha shift is uneventful. They’re star mapping, charting planets in unexplored space. The closest one, it’s name a string of letters and numbers Jim won’t ever be able to remember, is beautiful from above, despite the vibrantly colored atmosphere being caused by a slew of unbreathable chemicals.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Captain, incoming transmission from Admiral Pike. Marked urgent and private.” Uhura turns to look at him as she speaks, looking confused under her cool professionalism.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll take it in my ready room, thank you, lutenteint.” Jim pulls himself out of his chair. “Mr. Spock, you have the conn.” Spock nods his acknowledgement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim is fairly certain that he hasn’t done anything recently to warrant a call from an Admiral, especially not Pike, who only calls when Jim’s really fucked something up. They’re not expecting new orders, either, so Jim has no idea what to expect when he answers Pike’s comm. Even if they had been, though, nothing could have prepared Jim for what Pike tells him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They want us to go </span>
  <em>
    <span>back there</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Never mind me, they know she’s on this ship. How can they ask us to do this?” Jim is fuming. Pike looks apologetic, but they both know there’s nothing he can do about it at this point. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pike, T’Mai almost died on that hellhole. Not to mention all the other shit. I won’t take her back there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If it made any sense at all, in any possible way, I would have her here, Jim. In a heartbeat. But you won’t be passing Earth on your way there, and Number One is on the other side of the galaxy.” Pike sighs. “Look, Jim. I thought you’d rather hear this from someone you don’t hate, which is why I called. But they’re insisting. I don’t know why - they don’t tell me shit like that. I’m sorry, Jim. Will you be okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a very good question.” Jim drops his head to rest in his hands. Pike frowns. “And don’t sell yourself short, Admiral. Don’t tell anyone, but most days, I actually like you.” Jim cracks a smile, but even Pike can tell his heart’s not really in it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim takes a moment to himself before leaving the ready room. He’s already forwarded their orders to Spock, so he makes his way directly to the turbolift. He needs to talk to Bones, then he needs to find his girl. This isn’t gonna be easy for either of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bones is </span>
  <em>
    <span>livid</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Jim had done a valiant job of not panicking between the bridge and Bones’ office in medbay, but now that he’s here… well, panicking might not be a strong enough word. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How can they ask you to go back there, Jim? Of all the captains in this goddamn fleet…” Bones sucks in a breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think that’s why.” Jim admits. “We look like a success story.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And that’s all well and good. But, also, bullshit. If they had asked, maybe I’d feel different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t.” Jim lets out a hoarse laugh. “I wouldn’t have taken it if they asked. Do you think that’s why they didn’t?” He tries to smile. By the look on Bones’ face, he doesn’t quite make it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you gonna tell T’Mai?” Bones’ voice is quiet as he settles next to Jim on the couch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The truth. That we have to go back, that it can’t be anyone else. But she doesn’t have to know that it’s because whoever makes these decisions are stupid fucking assholes.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And the rest of the crew? Your friends?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim sighs, letting his head drop onto his hands. He drags his hands through his hair before he answers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Bones. Do I have to tell them anything?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. But you told me that you were thinking about telling Spock.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not now. This is… there’s too much going on right now, I can’t deal with that. Hopefully it won’t come up.” It’s clear that Bones doesn’t believe him, and, honestly, Jim doesn’t believe it himself. But he stands, forcing his face back to some kind of calm as he wipes away the last of his tears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to go find T’Mai.”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If either of you need anything, you know where to find me.” Jim’s answering smile is soft but real. It drops off his face before he even leaves the room. McCoy sighs. One day, he thinks, he might actually fight Starfleet over what they keep putting that boy through. And he’s pretty sure most of the crew of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>would help him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a message waiting for Jim when he gets back to his quarters, a light on his terminal blinking incessantly. He opens it, if only to clear the notification, but stops when he notices the sender - it’s from Kevin, addressed to everyone in their little band of survivors, replying to messages from Tom and Gracie.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’ve all been asked to return to the colony. Jim takes a deep breath before he replies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I guess we’ll be seeing you at the family reunion from hell. There will be room for all of you on the ship. We’re not sleeping there again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shuts the screen off before he gets up again. The last thing he wants to do is tell T’Mai that they have to go back. Part of him, though, is… proud, almost. Kodos didn’t think that any of them were good enough to be saved. But here they all are, spread throughout the galaxy. Alive. Healthy. And that’s more than can be said for Kodos himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. won't be scared that's the old me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter wrote itself very quickly. as it stands right now, I think there's one more chapter on tarsus and maybe one more after that to the end. so we're looking at six chapters total, maybe. but I have tons of ideas in this universe, so the end of this fic is not the end of these characters</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>T’Mai is with Jim on the bridge the day the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>enters orbit around Tarsus IV. Technically, she’s not supposed to be there, but the crew likes having her around, and she does the best she can to stay out of everyone’s way. It’s easy today - she picks a spot next to Jim and stays there, only moving when he does. If anyone finds it strange, they don’t say anything. Jim is grateful for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The planet below them is gray, peaceful, almost. Easy to overlook in a system of other, more vibrant offerings. It hadn’t always been gray, of course, but some there are some things even planets can’t recover from. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Entered orbit. Are you all on the surface already? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jim sets his PADD down without waiting for an answer, turning back to the viewscreen. The planet sits there, unassuming. Beside him, T’Mai slides a hand into his. She’s too young to remember the specifics, which Jim is glad for, but feelings linger. She doesn’t want to be here any more than Jim does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we beaming down to the surface, father?” She asks, voice quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only if you want to. If not, you’ll see everyone when they come on board.” She looks forward, considering it. Finally, she shakes her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to see it.” She decides. Jim nods, then turns to his crew. His friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, everyone. I assume you all know what happened down there.” He gestures to the planet in front of them. “We’re here to see if any of the fungus remains, and to see if we can get a better sense of what happened both leading up to and following the-” Jim sucks in a breath. T’Mai squeezes his hand. “The massacre. Lots to learn. Uh, Chekov, why don’t you come dirtside for this one. Spock, you too. Not much going on with this one, so hopefully we won’t be here long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai doesn’t try to take her hand back as they make their way to the turbolift, which Jim is glad for. It would be pretty embarrassing if he just didn’t let go. He’s doing as much as he can to keep his emotions to himself, but he can tell that she knows he needs the support. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai chats quietly with Chekov as the group makes their way to the transporter room.  She’d pulled her hand from Jim’s in the turbolift to illustrate the point she was making, eyes wide. Jim lost the thread of what they were talking about fairly quickly - he’d be able to keep up with them on a good day, but this was decidedly not one.  Spock, for his part, is as professional as ever, hands clasped behind his back. Not for the first time, Jim is incredibly grateful for the fact that nothing seems to bother Spock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim’s Tarsus history is classified. Not so classified that the admiralty doesn’t know, clearly, but enough that no one on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>does. Most days, it’s a good thing. Today, though… Jim shakes his head, trying to clear it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is everything okay, Captain?” Spock’s looking at him kind of sideways as they make their way to the transporter room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Mr. Spock.” And Spock doesn’t quite look like he believes him, but he lets it go. Jim is grateful for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The transport itself is uneventful, but nothing could prepare Jim from being back on the surface of Tarsus IV. It smells the same as it did when he first stepped off the shuttle. It looks different, of course. The grass is all brown, the buildings crumbling. The past eleven years haven’t been as kind to the site of the colony as they were to Jim and T’Mai. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’ve been planetside for maybe two minutes before T’Mai runs off towards a group of people standing at the edge of the plaza. She attaches herself to Kevin’s side immediately. Jim turns back to the scientist in front of him, relieved that he doesn’t have to worry about T’Mai being bored while he has to deal with the bureaucracy at play. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All we’ve done at this point is catalogue the buildings. We haven’t even been inside most of them. Honestly, we didn’t expect everyone to get here so soon.” The scientist, Jim thinks her name might be Erin, admits.  Jim forces a grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t speak for anyone else, but Ensign Chekov is the best navigator in the ‘Fleet. The credit goes to him and our helmsman.” Jim claps Chekov’s shoulder as he speaks. Chekov blushes a little, surprised by the praise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Keptin. We do our best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you familiar with the events that took place here?” Erin asks. Spock raises an eyebrow. Jim understands the sentiment - the Tarsus Massacre is covered pretty thoroughly at the academy.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe that the captain, navigator, and myself have been adequately appraised of the history of this planet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, of course. Our main purpose here is to determine the nature of the fungus that wiped out the crops. The fact that it spread to the stored food as well indicates that it’s a type that hasn’t been studied before, and-” she cuts herself off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry. My team is here for the science end of things, but it’s my understanding, captain, that you and your crew were called in for the more diplomatic aspects.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what they told me, too.” Jim laughs. He’s glad none of the others are nearby to hear how fake it sounds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a group of survivors over there, I think.” Erin points across the plaza.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go introduce myself, then. I think these gentlemen would be more interested in the science, though, if you don’t mind explaining it to them. Most of the technical details go right over my head, anyway.” Jim laughs a little, then steps away from the group. That had been the reason he wanted to bring Chekov along, besides getting the kid more experience on away missions. The young navigator was easy to distract. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim’s group of survivors greet him with a relieved sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain James Kirk. It’s an honor.” Gracie is laughing at him, as much of any of them can laugh here. Jim aims a crooked grin at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I believe the honor is mine, Dr. Grace Meyers. If I ever need a new CMO I know who to call.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father, it would be best if Dr. McCoy does not find out about your attempt to replace him.” T’Mai smirks at him. The group busts out laughing. Jim can feel the eyes on the back of his neck and has a good feeling about who they belong to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s the Vulcan?” Tom asks, looking across the plaza. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is Commander Spock. He is the first officer on board the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” T’Mai supplies. “He and father have become quite good friends.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, Kirk, I didn’t realize you were that charming.” Kevin raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t, Riley. Not now.” Jim runs a hand through his hair. “I hope you didn’t make other arrangements, because I am formally inviting you to stay onboard the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the duration of our stay here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, thank god. The shuttle they put us on to get here was… not great.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Dr. Tom Leighton </span>
  <em>
    <span>complaining</span>
  </em>
  <span>? About Starfleet? I never thought I’d see the day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not in front of the illustrious Captain Kirk, surely? Captain of the flagship? Starfleet’s golden boy?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re teasing him in earnest, now. Jim settles a little, falling back into the pattern they’d established over the years. It had been hard, at times, for them to keep in touch, but they’d made the effort. Jim thinks it was worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The group settles after a minute or two as everyone looks around again. The colony itself wasn’t the worst of it, for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is where we met you.” Jim says to T’Mai. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is where my whole life changed, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he doesn’t. </span>
  <em>
    <span> I would go through it all again for you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His eyes fall on the forest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, who wants to see my ship?” Jim claps his hands, drawing everyone’s attention. “They sent me here to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>diplomatic</span>
  </em>
  <span>, guys. The least you can do is help me fake it.” Kevin rolls his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay, Jim. Show us your ship.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Five to beam up from my location, Mr. Scott.” Jim says into his comm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aye, sir.” Comes the reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You guys aren’t ready for this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He keeps the tour pretty short. The ship is still busy, and Jim doesn’t want to be in anyone’s way. He also doesn’t want to be thinking about the diplomatic official bullshit he’s supposed to be dealing with right now. He also doesn’t want to run into Spock, or Bones, if he’s being entirely honest with himself. JIm doesn’t know if Bones would recognize Kevin, but he’s not willing to chance it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And these are the guest rooms. Make yourselves at home.” Jim gestures to the three doors in front of him.  “I think we’re expected for some kind of ceremony later, but that's not for a few hours. Get some rest before then, make sure you’re ready for whatever the hell they have planned.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As ready as we can be.” Gracie snorts. Jim sighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’ll see you guys later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He makes his way back to the bridge on his own. T'Mai had decided to stay with the others, taking advantage of the rare time she gets to see them in person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock meets him in front of the turbolift. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain, perhaps you can assist me in understanding some of the events that occurred planetside this afternoon.” He starts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can certainly try, Mr. Spock.” Jim is pretty sure he knows where this is going, and if he’s right, he already doesn’t like it. “In here, maybe?” He leads Spock into the nearest conference room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The group of survivors. How do you know them? You claimed to be going to introduce yourself to them while in the colony, but T’Mai had joined them shortly after arriving on planet. You also seemed to relax immediately upon joining them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim lets out a heavy breath as he stares down at the table. He can feel Spock’s eyes on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I first met T’Mai when she was six or seven months old. Her parents had moved off of Vulcan to learn more about different styles of agriculture. They were both botanists, I think. There are a lot of little details that didn’t really stick. Anyway, they lived on the other side of the field my aunt owned.” Jim pauses for a moment. Spock looks like he wants to ask questions, but Jim holds up a hand. “I’m getting there, don’t worry.” He takes a breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My older brother had run away not too long before I got sent to live with Aunt Jane. That was the final straw. I had never really gotten along with my stepdad, but was always more concerned with Sam than he was with me. But with Sam gone… well, it didn’t take long for Frank to decide he hated me more than he ever hated Sam, and my mom was off planet. So I signed myself up for school. On Tarsus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I must apologize. I did not realize.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Most people don’t, and I’d like to keep it that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understood, captain.” Spock pauses. “Jim, I find myself… disturbed at the thought of both you and T’Mai having to endure such circumstances so early in your lives.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kaiidth.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wouldn’t give her up for anything. I’d go through it again if it meant keeping her safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am once again impressed by you, Jim.” And Jim doesn’t even have time to unpack that before Spock has left the room, leaving nothing but the sound of the door sliding shut behind him.  Jim shakes his head, then follows Spock back to the bridge. There has to be something to distract before dinner on Tarsus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim meets the other survivors in the transporter room hours later. He’s already caught up on his paperwork, no longer weeks behind on reports and staff assessments. He’s not sure what he’s going to do for the rest of the week. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim pulls at the collar of his dress uniform. Beside him, T’Mai fidgets with the hem of her robe. It had been a gift from Winona for her last birthday, and she hasn’t had much chance to wear it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This has to be the definition of irony.” Tom mutters as they take their places on the transporter pad. “Hey, kids! Come back to the place you almost died of starvation for a fancy dinner!” His voice is tight, nervous under the mockery. Jim, under his carefully practiced diplomatic facade, feels the same way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s gotta be some kind of catch. Something. Last year was the tenth anniversary, and Starfleet all but ignored it. What’s different now?” Gracie doesn’t sound like she really wants an answer, but Jim has one for her anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Money. Pike mentioned something about someone wanting to sponsor research, so they’re holding this… kick off ceremony or something.” Jim checks to make sure that everyone is in place, then turns to the ensign at the transport controls. “We’re ready when you are, ensign.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just one moment, captain. Waiting for the transport coordinates,” she pauses. “Ready, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Energize.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They beam down in what was once an elaborate entry hall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck no</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Jim grabs T’Mai immediately, stepping in front of her. Beside them, Tom is standing stiff as a board. Gracie and Kevin have each grabbed the other’s arm. Directly in front of them is a photo, far enough from the gaping windows that the people in it are still recognizable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a long moment of silence. No one moves as they take in their surroundings. It’s clear that any debris that had blown in through the glassless windows was swept away, the broken glass cleaned out of empty frames. The wood floor is somehow still intact, though the rug that took up most of the floor space is gone. The bookcase is still full of the books they’d left behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain, everyone has gathered - is everything okay?” Spock’s hand moves towards his phaser as he registers the atmosphere in the room. His eyes fall on the photo after a moment. Jim watches Spock’s face change when he recognizes them - even T’Mai is there, a tiny head poking out of the blanket wrapped carefully in the arms of an older Vulcan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim straightens. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Spock, let me introduce you to Dr. Thomas Leighton, Dr. Grace Meyers, and Lieutenant Kevin Riley. We, uh, went to school together for a while.” That gets him something that could be called a snort from Kevin.  Spock raises a hand, offering the ta’al. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is clear that the captain holds you all in high regard. As such, I am honored to meet you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, Jimmy, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>like us.” Gracie lets go of Kevin’s arm gently, leaning over to wrap her arms around Jim’s shoulders. “I knew it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let him fool you, Mr. Spock. Jim Kirk is nothing but a big softy.” Tom adds. He’s turned pointedly away from the frame on top of the bookshelf, posture relaxed. Jim meets Spock’s eyes, mouths </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank you</span>
  </em>
  <span> as he leads them into the next room. No one notices that T’Mai flips the photo over before following. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re greeted as guests of honor. It makes Jim’s stomach turn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat.” Kevin murmurs as they sit down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me, either. Or if I’ll be able to stop if I get started.” Jim admits. He glances around the table, nervous. Something about some of the men sitting at the other end of the table is setting him on edge, though he can’t quite put his finger on why. Conversation swirls around him, but Jim can’t focus. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jim knows they shouldn’t go back. The school is too close to the rest of the colony. Too close to the rest of people. The ones on Kodos’ good list wouldn’t hesitate to turn them in, either. Anything to keep their spot, their daily rations. But there might be food stored somewhere in the school itself. If none of the other kids got out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He can’t think like that. Kevin and Tom and Gracie are counting on him. And the baby. God, the baby. T’Li and Senalk had left her with Jim when they’d gone to get food the last time. That was two weeks ago. Jim has to find something for T’Mai to eat. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The building looms in front of him, imposing in the darkness. He takes a deep breath, pushing the hunger to the back of his mind. He creeps closer, keeping low to the ground until he can hide in the shadow of the building. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He freezes when he hears voices coming from the windows. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“- nothing left. Those damn kids have probably been back already. I told you it wasn’t worth coming all the way out here.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t know they aren’t coming back. Kids are weird like that. Maybe they’re close by.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s easy, in that moment, for JIm to swear that he’d never come back. That he’d never bring the others back. He slips into the night unseen but unsuccessful. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock finds Jim back in the entry hall, looking through the bookcase. It’s been dusted recently, but the books are all in the same places, looking like they haven’t been touched in ten years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was hard to get a good connection out here, sometimes, so they had a bunch of our school printed for us. It felt special, at the time. Now it seems like a huge waste.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it aided in the education of those that needed them, then I would have to disagree, Jim. And the fact that they are still here is… fascinating.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swore I’d never come back here, you know. That I would never bring any of them back here. It wasn’t safe. I still feel that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you are not safe here? A team of engineers ensured that the building remained structurally sound before they considered it for the location of tonight’s dinner.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure they did. Something just feels… off. Something about that group of benefactors. I don’t know, Spock. Maybe I’m just projecting.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps. But I do not think it would be unwarranted for the security team aboard the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span> to look into them. Your ‘gut feelings’, as you call it, have gotten us out of difficult situations in the past. And I imagine that the team on duty is looking for something to do” Spock adds. If Jim didn’t know better, he would say that Spock almost sounds amused. Jim sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right.” He pulls his comm out of his pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kirk to Zahra. Can you hear me, Lieutenant?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sir. What can I do for you?” Zahra’s voice comes back clear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like you to run checks on the sponsors for tonight’s dinner. I don’t expect you to find anything, but I’m getting a weird feeling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, sir. Where should I start?” Jim opens his mouth, but closes it again a moment later. He’d been so distracted he hadn’t gotten any of the sponsors’ names.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can start with Anton Karidian, lieutenant. Thank you. Spock out.” He closes the comm as he meets Jim’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you prepared to return?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope. But I never will be, so let’s get back to it.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. you saved me once, now I'll save you too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry this took so long, but real life got in the way, and this chapter just did not want to be written. but I was determined to get it out eventually, so here it is</p><p>also, I think there will be two more chapters after this - the last chapter, and an epilogue</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next few days are strange, to say the least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain Kirk!” Jim does his best not to sigh when he hears Dr. Solace call him again. The scientist had been hounding him for the last few days, ever since she’d found out he’d, as she put it, “spent time on the planet”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain, we could really use your help on the surface. None of the members of my team have much experience off of Earth, much less with anything as important as the work we’re doing here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doctor, before you continue, I’d like to apologize. As much as I wish I could help with your work on the surface, I just have too much to take care on the ship. The responsibilities of a starship captain never end.” He flashes her a grin. Dr. Solace frowns. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course. I understand, Captain. Sorry to bother you.” She turns around, presumably to head back to the transporter room. Jim continues towards the guest quarters, letting himself into Gracie’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it never end?” He groans, throwing himself face down on her bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello to you too, Jim. What are you complaining about now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything. Have you met that scientist? Erin Solace?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately. Why did you authorize her to come on board?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wasn’t my idea, trust me. Admiralty wants to make this look as good as possible, which means that some of us have to cooperate.” Jim rolls over to frown at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Grace Meyers was Jim’s first friend on Tarsus. They’d hit it off almost immediately - they were on the same shuttle, and Gracie’s dad cared about space as much as Winona did, even at the cost of their children. So they’d stuck together. Got in trouble together. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know, I always wanted a sister.” Jim admits, looking sideways at Gracie. She’s looking at the fire - it’s small, but still bigger than it really should be. Tom and Kevin are around somewhere, and T’Mai is quiet, sleeping deeper in the cave they’ve been using as a shelter.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, you’re the annoying little brother I never wanted but ended up with anyway.” Gracie snorts. She’s smiling, though. “What are we gonna do, Jim?” She asks, suddenly serious. Jim shrugs. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Survive. Nothing else we really can do, is there?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Guess not. But you suck at pep talks.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, too, sis.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gracie punches him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Grace sighs before she abandons her PADD to lay down with Jim. The last time they’d been together had been years ago, not long after they’d all been brought back to Earth, before Jim and T’Mai had gone to Vulcan. They’d all been in the same rehab center for a couple weeks - the doctors thought it might help their recovery, to see that the others were improving too. The doctors had been wrong - all they’d wanted to do was hide, and being together made it easier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jimmy. You’re a captain now. All you ever wanted. But you had to have realized that some parts of the job aren’t gonna be adventures and discovery.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. But I really didn’t think it would be this shitty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you’re handling it well.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I handling it? I’m avoiding it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, Jim. You’re doing what you can.” She looks like she wants to say something else, but Jim’s comm chirps at him. He groans, but flips it open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kirk.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spock here, Captain. Your presence is required on the bridge. There is a private transmission from Admiral Pike.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Mr. Spock.. I’ll be there shortly. Kirk out.” He snaps the comm shut, then flops back onto the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friend of yours?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pike? Family friend. He was good to me. After.” He sighs. “See you later, Gracie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave me alone.” But she’s laughing as she says it. The door swishes open, then shut as Jim steps into the hall. He makes his way to the bridge quickly enough that no one will question him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Transmission waiting in your ready room, captain.” Uhura calls as he steps out of the turbolift. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, lieutenant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The privacy lock engages as soon as Jim steps through the door. There’s a light blinking at his terminal - Pike’s waiting call. Jim slumps into his seat, then takes a moment to compose himself before he answers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Admiral Pike, what can I do for you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike outlines the plan quickly, looking less and less pleased as he does. Jim feels the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just to clarify, Admiral, you’d like for us to invite the Tarsus benefactors on board to conduct their research on the events surrounding the massacre?” Jim needs to be completely sure he isn’t hearing things. On the other side of the comm link, Pike sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you have the survivors on board already, Captain. The admiralty seems to think that this’ll be good press. They’ll probably want to ask you all some questions.” The way he says it makes it pretty clear to Jim that Pike isn’t pleased. “Look, Jim. I know it sucks being back out there. But the faster they get what they want, the faster the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>gets out of there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t like hearing these things, Jim. But would you rather hear them from Archer?” Pike raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Jim grumbles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought. Pike out.” The line closes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim lets out a sigh. The security check on the benefactors had come up empty, like he’d expected, but it hadn’t made him feel any better. Made him feel worse if anything - there was suspiciously little information on some of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Heads up - have to bring the project sponsors on board. They’re definitely going to want to talk to us. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim hesitates for a moment before he sends the message, but ultimately does it anyway. He’d want to know before running into them in the hallway somewhere. He hasn’t shared any of his suspicions with the others, but maybe it’s time. Jim runs a hand down his face - really, he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>exhausted </span>
  </em>
  <span>- before opening his comm unit to call Scotty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Scott, the group of sponsors will be ready to beam aboard in about fifteen minutes. I’m sending Uhura to receive them, as much as I’d like to be there myself. You should be there, too. We should probably try to make a good impression on these guys.” Jim hopes that Scotty can’t hear how bitter he sounds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O’ course, captain. We’ll be ready for ‘em.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Scotty. Kirk out.” Jim closes his comm, then taps out a message to Uhura telling her the same thing. He’s sure that he can invent some kind of paperwork or meeting with Spock that will explain his absence in the transporter room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sighs again, sliding his arms forward until he can rest his head on the desk. Everything about this mission is draining him of everything he has and then some. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t move when he hears the door slide open. It’s probably T’Mai, anyway, and Jim doesn’t have anything to hide from her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father?” Her voice is barely above a whisper. “Are you asleep?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sweetheart. Come on in.” Jim sits up as she walks into the room. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could tell that you were upset. What is the matter?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing new,” Jim sighs. “Starfleet wants us to bring the Tarsus project sponsors on board. They’re going to want to talk to all of the survivors.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do they know that we are included on that list?” T’Mai asks carefully. Jim huffs out a breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, sweetheart. But we have to keep the others safe even if they do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep them safe? Do you anticipate danger, father?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Jim doesn’t want to lie to her, but he’s not entirely sure what he’s waiting for. It’s just a feeling, like the other shoe is about to drop. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I think we need to be careful.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai nods, looking thoughtful. “I think that I will return to the others, now, if you have no objection.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None at all. You guys should have fun, I’ll deal with this.” Jim smiles at her before she leaves. The door swishes open in front of her, revealing Spock standing on the other side. “Commander.” She greets, stepping around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, T’Mai. Captain, if you have a moment?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Mr. Spock. Come in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock doesn’t say anything for a moment, just sits across from Jim. “Spock?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim watches as Spock takes a moment to gather his thoughts. Jim bites back another sigh. Whatever Spock is about to say, he’s fairly sure he isn’t going to like it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain. There were other survivors of the… events that occured on Tarsus. I have been conducting research of my own, and the results are, admittedly, quite disturbing. Many of the other survivors, particularly those who might have seen Kodos himself, have been killed. Captain, I believe that you or your friends might be in danger.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“T’Mai.” Jim stands up, shoving the chair into the bulkhead behind him. “The project sponsors are coming on board. Is there anything that suggests they might be involved?” He’s moving before Spock can answer, but the Vulcan gets up to follow him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Captain. Several of the group were present at the site of the previous three murders.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Three? Fuck. This is bad, Spock.” They’re in the turbolift now. Jim slams the button, bouncing on his toes. Spock, thankfully, doesn’t comment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask where we are going, captain?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Transporter room. I need to get a better look at these guys.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The evidence against this group is circumstantial at best. We must be cautious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, Spock. I just… the few days we’ve been here, something’s felt… off. Like we’re sitting here, waiting for something to happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your ‘gut feelings’, as you call them, have been reliable in the past. I see no reason to stop trusting your instincts at this moment.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re too kind to me, Mr. Spock.” JIm tries to smile. “I knew something else was going on here. The timing was too strange.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why all the interest now? The tenth anniversary was last year, it would’ve been the perfect time to launch a project like this. And it’s not like people like this are sitting around waiting for the money for this shit to roll in. There’s something else going on here, Spock, and I intend to find out what it is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will endeavor to help you any way that I can, sir.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim just nods. He’s endlessly grateful to Spock, this is just another thing he won’t be able to make up to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brings himself to some sense of calm as they walk towards the transporter room. The click of their boots on the floor is familiar, calming. They walk together often, on and off duty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain? I though’ you couldn’ make it down here.” Scotty’s voice breaks Jim out of his thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Schedule cleared. Is everything ready?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yessir. We’re ready to beam their party aboard as soon as they give us the go ahead.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fantastic, thank you, Mr. Scott.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scotty nods, taking his spot at the transport console. The door slides open to let Uhura in. She raises an eyebrow at Jim and Spock, but doesn’t say anything. Jim is grateful to her, too. Scotty looks up from the console.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Locked on to coordinates, captain.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On your mark, Lieutenant Commander.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Energizing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The group of benefactors shimmers into existence on the transport pad. Jim sucks in a breath. Beside him, Spock is as unreadable as ever. It’s comforting, actually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s easy to pick Karidian out of the group - something about him is instantly familiar, even if he’s older than Jim would have expected. He freezes, shoulders stiffening as their faces appear. Spock turns to him, questioning eyebrow raised, but Jim just shakes his head, plastering a smile on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Welcome aboard the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I’m Captain Kirk, this is Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura, and Lieutenant Commander Scott.” Jim says, taking a step forward. Karidian grins, spreading his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Such a warm welcome. We are honored to come aboard your ship, captain. Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Spock, why don’t you take our guests on a tour of the ship before showing them to the guest quarters on deck 11?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, captain. If you’ll follow me.” Spock continues, turning to their guests. He leads them out of the transport room. Jim deflates as soon as the doors shut behind them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, captain?” Uhura asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just fine, Uhura, thank you. Back to the bridge?” He holds out his elbow, trying for their usual banter. She gives him a look, almost concerned, but brushes past him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day, huh, Scotty?” The engineer just laughs as Jim leaves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim has every intention of going back to the bridge. He does. He’s not sure how he ends up in medbay instead, but Bones is scowling at him and dragging Jim into his office before he can say anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, kid?” Bones asks, sitting next to Jim on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’ve got this feeling… I don’t know, Bones. Something feels wrong. And Spock was doing some research,” Jim drops his head into his hands. “You should ask him about it. I need to get back to the bridge.” Jim starts to stand, then seems to think better of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bones, I think Karidian is Kodos.” He hadn’t fully realized it, himself, until he said it out loud. But the second the words leave his mouth, Jim is certain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?!” Bones shoots to his feet. “What do you mean you think he’s Kodos?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize at that dinner the first night, I was too distracted. Being back there…” Jim shakes his head, sitting back down on the couch Bones had insisted he didn’t need. “But when they came on board just now… it’s him, Bones.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you gonna do, kid?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I don’t know. What the hell </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> we do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Throw him in the brig?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t. There’s no proof.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So get proof.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell kind of…” Jim trails off, distracted. “I need to talk to Spock.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you do. Go ahead, kid. I know this old country doctor can’t keep up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Bones, no. Look,” Jim grabs McCoy’s shoulders. “Spock’s been looking into this. He realized that something was really wrong before I did. Bones, these benefactors… Spock thinks they’re killing people. Survivors. I need you to go up to deck fourteen. Find Tom and Kevin and Gracie. They’ll listen to you. There’s no one else I’d trust with this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, kid. I’m just old and bitter. Now, come on. You’ve gotta find your hobgoblin, and I’m gonna go find the only other people capable of putting up with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>Vulcan, Bones.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet.” McCoy mutters. Jim either doesn’t hear him or is ignoring him. It’s for the best. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. kiss the tears right off your face</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>we got here! I struggle a lot with bad things happening to my characters, which is why this took so long. but I think it was worth it</p><p>also, there are a ton of different POVs in this chapter, including Spock and T'Mai, which was fun. will probably come back to them at some point in the future</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>T’Mai stares at the book in front of her, too distracted to continue working. The corners of her mouth twitch downwards, not quite a frown, but more expressive than most Vulcans her age. She sighs. As her father is expected to continue to carry out his duties as the captain of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she has been expected to remain focused on her school work. It is a task that is finding to be increasingly difficult. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is her bond with her father that is the source of her unease. His own discomfort leaking through the connection between them. And while Commander Spock has been helping T’Mai to increase her shields and mental control, she herself is ill at ease, being so close to the cause of such high levels of trauma in the humans she associates with most closely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai herself only remembers the endless hunger, the comfort that her father brought her. The rest she has pieced together from conversations with the others and official Federation files. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She makes another attempt to focus on her schoolwork, but sets the stylus down quickly. The spike in her father’s anxiety has her making her way to the bridge, the halls thankfully empty of anyone that might question her. Even when she gets there, no one bothers her, apparently too absorbed in other work. In T’Mai’s experience, however, humans have no need for telepathic bonds to discern the emotional states of others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door slides open, revealing the captain with his head pillowed on his arms, resting on the desk in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father?” T’Mai asks, taking another step into the room so that the door closes behind her. “Are you asleep?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sweetheart. Come on in.” He sits up, smiling the way he only does at her. “What’s up?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could tell that you were upset.” T’Mai admits, twisting her fingers together. “What is the matter?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing new. Starfleet wants us to bring the Tarsus project sponsors on board. They’re going to want to talk to all of the survivors.” T’Mai raises an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do they know that we are included on that list?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, sweetheart. But we have to keep the others safe even if they do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep them safe? Do you anticipate danger, father?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I think we need to be careful.” His mouth dips into a frown as he speaks. T’Mai takes a moment to consider what he’s told her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that I will return to the others, now, if you have no objection.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None at all. You guys should have fun, I’ll deal with this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai nods, turning to go. She does not miss the smile he sends her before she turns and returns it in kind before stepping closer to the door. It slides open before she can get there, revealing Commander Spock on the other side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Commander.” She nods slightly, stepping out of his way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, T’Mai.” He returns her nod before stepping farther into the room. “Captain, if you have a moment?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai makes her way off the bridge quickly - though she has permission to be there, she often feels that she hinders the essential work done there. Once in the turbolift, thankfully alone, she allows her posture to slump even farther. She is unsure who of the crew knows that she is included on the list of survivors of the Tarsus IV massacre, that her father and their friends saw Kodos himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The turbolift opens, but T’Mai hesitates. Her plan had been to return to Kevin’s guest quarters to discuss the book he had sent her. Something stops her, though. Maybe it’s the increasing sense of dread pushing at the edge of her mind, or some Vulcan instinct to be alone while she felt this… her father would say ‘out of sorts’. T’Mai is unclear on how that translates to emotional unbalance, but does not question it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She frowns, just slightly, as she turns her attention back to the lift controls. Ideally, she would like to be of some help, either to her father or their friends, but something is telling her to go back to her quarters and stay out of the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because she does that, she misses her father’s mad tear through the hallways to get to the transporter room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s making another attempt at her schoolwork when her door chime sounds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come.” She calls, setting her PADD down. Her father steps in, his hair messy but his eyes more settled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you feel about a party tonight?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“While I do not generally enjoy such social functions, I would be more than willing to attend one with you this evening.” T’Mai answers. He smiles at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, T’Mai. I really… I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” She wraps her arms around the parts of him that she can reach from her chair. He returns the hug eagerly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim tugs at the collar of his dress uniform. It’s uncomfortable most times, but now it’s stifling, the fabric chafing against his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The party had been Spock’s idea. It was as good a way as any to get Karidian talking, and it wasn’t like Jim had a better idea. Besides, people like Karidian and his friends love having parties thrown for them for no actual reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready, captain?” Spock asks, stepping into Jim’s quarters through their shared bathroom. Jim grimaces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As I’ll ever be.” He won’t focus on how good Spock looks in his formal robes. If he focused on how good Spock looks at any time, ever, Jim would never get anything done. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because it doesn’t take any particular amount of observation for someone to know that Spock is incredibly attractive. And, the more time that Jim spends with him, the more he learns about Spock. Well. Jim’s sure it’s just a crush. It’ll go away. It has to - Spock is too important to him. And T’Mai… Jim doesn’t want to do anything that might hurt her connection to Spock, to Vulcan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim bites back a sigh, then nods towards the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shall we?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, but Spock follows him anyway. They make a stop at T’Mai’s quarters, then head down to the rec room that a large group of very dedicated crew members have cleared for the party. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim is impressed with the decoration - the room is hardly recognizable. He’s not sure where all this stuff came from, but it might be better if he doesn’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He makes a couple rounds through the room before stopping to talk to Kevin and Gracie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s your play here, Jimmy?” Gracie asks, arms crossed over her chest. Jim lets out a heavy breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a plan.” He promises. “Trust me on this one, guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin makes a face at him, but he nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trusting your plans is the only reason we’re alive right now.” He mutters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just keep an eye on T’Mai, would you? There’s a lot going on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Jim. I think she’s with Tom, now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfect. Thanks, guys.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim nods to both of them, thankful, then scans the room again. Spock is talking to Uhura - and Jim is glad they’re friends again. As much as he claims otherwise, Spock needs the interaction. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jim looks up, startled, as the bathroom door slides open. Spock stands there, hands clasped behind his back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everything okay?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am unsure.” Spock admits. He looks uncomfortable. “I was attempting to meditate, but found that I am… I believe the word is ‘lonely’, captain. Jim.” He corrects himself quickly. Jim loves him for it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come in, Spock.” Jim grins at him, turning away from his paperwork. “Chess?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am amenable.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sit, then.” Jim makes a stop at the replicator for some tea before getting his chess board from the closet. “You’re welcome here anytime. You know that.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I appreciate the reassurance, Jim.” Spock had given him one of those little smiles. Jim’s feelings hit him like a wave, like they did every time Spock did something just for him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Karidian gives a speech, because he’s the type of person to think that highly of himself, and because Jim asked him to. It was the easiest way to get him talking loud enough for the computer to get a voice sample, anyway. At least he keeps it short. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Computer is comparing samples now, captain.” Spock murmurs as Karidian wraps up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, commander. You should enjoy the party.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is, as you would say, ‘not my scene’.” Spock admits. Jim laughs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair enough. But stick around, at least. Mingle with the sponsors. Make us look good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, captain. If you’ll excuse me.” Spock nods, then takes his leave, approaching the rest of the sponsors where they’re standing by the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim watches him go. He’s distracted enough that he doesn’t notice the blonde standing beside him until she taps him on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain Kirk?” She asks. She looks up at him through her eyelashes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It seems I’m at a disadvantage here. You know who I am, but I don’t think we’ve met. And I would remember meeting you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your reputation precedes you, captain. My name is Lenore Karidian. I’m here with my father.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Jim forces himself to smile. “How can I help you, Ms. Karidian?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, call me Lenore. But I was wondering if you could introduce me to the other survivors. You’re close, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The hairs on the back of Jim’s neck stand up as she asks. If he’s on the survivor list, then so is T’Mai, along with all the others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve kept in touch.” Jim allows. He scans the room. The rest of the group is huddled together in the corner of the room. “If you’ll come with me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leads her to the group, as much as he hates to do it. There’s no reason for him not to, really. His own gut feeling isn’t enough to completely flip on her - she hasn’t done anything. Yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gracie sees them first, can read the apology on Jim’s face as he comes closer. He can see her sigh before she turns to say something to the others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Karidian, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Tom Leighton, Dr. Grace Meyers, and Lt. Kevin Riley. They’re guests of mine for our time here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>T’Mai isn’t with them, which Jim is grateful for. Lenore feels dangerous, somehow, and he doesn’t want his daughter anywhere near her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lenore Karidian. My father is funding the new research projects here on Tarsus IV.”  And unless he’s reading her entirely wrong, Jim thinks she looks pleased, almost, at the way they tense when she says the name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And your daughter?” She asks, turning back towards Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Around here somewhere, I’m sure.” He’s aiming for causal, but isn’t sure if it hits. “She likes to spend time with most of the senior bridge crew, she’s probably talking to them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lenore nods, thoughtful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sure about that? It would be a shame if something were to happen to her during such a wonderful party.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s all that Jim can do to not slam her into the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is she.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Safe. For now. But she won’t be if you don’t cooperate” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock watches as Jim ducks out of the room, followed closely by the other Tarsus survivors, then a blonde he does not recognize. If he were human, he would frown. As such, he mutters an apology to Nyota and Hikaru, then follows the group into the corridor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can tell, even from a distance, that Jim is angry. The captain’s posture is tight, shoulders drawn in tight. His fingers twitch at his sides.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is she, Lenore?” He asks. The blonde laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to tell you, captain. But you’ll find out soon enough. I promise.” Her voice starts to fade as they turn the corner. Spock makes to follow them, then hesitates. If nothing else, someone needs to know where he is going. He must find McCoy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor, to his credit, does not look particularly surprised when Spock relates the events of the last few minutes. Instead, he steps out of the party into an empty room nearby, gesturing for Spock to follow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Computer, what is the location of T’Mai Kirk?” He asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Location currently unknown.” The computer replies. McCoy swears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’m bringing in Uhura and Chapel. They’ll probably be the most help. You track down Jim and the others.” He sighs. “This isn’t gonna be good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had reached the same conclusion.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well. As long as we’re on the same page.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim’s top priorities right now are to keep his daughter safe and his friends calm. And if that means playing along with Kodos’ daughter. Well. He does what he has to, it’s part of the job. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was this part of your plan?” Gracies whispers, voice sharp in the quiet of the corridor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna be fine, Gracie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who the hell does she think she is, anyway?” Kevin asks. Jim winces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kodos’ daughter.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ko- he’s here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Karidian. Computer’s working on the ID now. Spock’s handling it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lenore makes another turn. They’re heading towards the shuttle bay. It makes sense, to Jim at least. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>has some of the best shuttles in the ‘Fleet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You understand that I’ll have to go after the Vulcan next, of course.” Lenore chimes in, not bothering to turn and look at them. “Father has done so much for the universe since you last saw him. He must be allowed to continue his work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re the one behind the murders.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. He’s too old now, too weak. It’s almost as if he’s developed a conscience, all these years later. But that’s okay. He has me. I will keep him safe from those who would expose him.” She cuts a sharp glance at the group. “Come on, now. We’re almost there.” She pulls a phaser out of the folds of her dress. “You all have an appointment, after all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.” Spock calls, making his way through the halls of the ship. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Location unavailable.” Comes the cool reply. Spock hesitates. If the computer is offline, the chance of him finding Jim before someone is injured is significantly lower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something tugging at the back of his mind is telling him to head towards the shuttle bay, or the guest quarters where the project sponsors are staying. If he were looking for privacy, he would head for guest quarters. But if escaping the ship is the goal… Spock heads towards the shuttles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moves as quickly as he can without making too much noise - he is not sure if the woman is still in the hallways, and does not want to relinquish any element of surprise he might have. His stealth is rewarded - as he approaches the double doors leading to the shuttle bay, he can hear quiet conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock freezes when he realizes the speakers are conversing in Vulcan, though the voices are familiar. He is too far away to make out the words, but he lets the familiar language wash over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Enough of that now, captain. On the shuttle, all of you.” The woman, Lenore, calls. There’s a crash. Spock uses the sound as cover to slip into the room. Hiding behind another shuttle, he takes in the scene. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The crash he’d heard appeared to be Lt. Riley’s attempt to disarm Lenore. The lieutenant was sprawled on the floor in front of her, unconscious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one else better get any bright ideas.” Lenore warns. The others glare at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock watches as she gestures to the closest shuttle with the phaser. The door is already open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We really don’t have all day. And I would hate to have to shoot the girl.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You won’t hurt her.” Jim snaps, stepping in front of T’Mai. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will if I have to. On the shuttle. Now. It’s time for all of you to be so overcome by your trauma that you throw yourselves into space.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you gonna manage </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>? It’ll look pretty suspicious if you’re the only one that ends up coming back.” Dr. Meyers bites the words out. Lenore shrugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kidnappings happen all the time.” She takes another step to her left. A few more feet, and she will be directly in front of Spock’s hiding place. “And who can really explain the actions of so many traumatized individuals?” Another step. Spock surges forward. She falls, unconscious, as he lets go of her neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole group is ushered to sickbay within minutes of Leonard’s arrival in the shuttle bay. Jim follows him slowly, grateful that T’Mai hadn’t fought him when he’d scooped her up. She’d wrapped her arms around his neck and hadn’t let go since. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell happened, Jim?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s Kodos’ daughter. She’s the one that’s been killing survivors. Confessed to the whole thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Killing survivors? And you just followed her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She had T’Mai.” And Jim knows that McCoy understands. He would have done the same thing if it were Jo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will Kevin be okay?” T’Mai asks, turning to look at the doctor. McCoy nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’ll be fine, kiddo. He’s on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Agamemnon</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? They get into all kinds of wild sh- stuff out there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You making Spock come to sickbay too, Bones?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As soon as he’s done dealing with everything else. That was a very high stress situation y’all got yourselves in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not injured, doctor. She did not hurt me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’m very glad to hear that. But, for my own peace of mind and your father’s, I’m sure you understand that we need to make sure.” Jim feels T’Mai nod against his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>McCoy doesn’t keep them long, thankfully. He has no reason to, and Jim hates seeing T’Mai sitting on a biobed in the middle of a painfully sterile room. He sends them off with his usual threats of hyposprays and medical leave, but Jim doesn’t put up more than a token protest. Bones has already taken him off shift tomorrow, anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim tucks T’Mai into her own bed before making his way back to his own quarters. The normalcy of it strikes him as he starts undoing the buttons of his jacket, that even after such a long day, some things just don’t change. Like tucking T’Mai in, or the sound of his door chime. Jim sighs, then calls for whoever it is to come in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain, I have the report regarding the vocal match between Anton Karidian and Governor Kodos.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim gets his head stuck in the arm of his sweatshirt for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?” He asks, turning to face Spock once he manages to free himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The prints are a match, sir.” Spock’s posture loosens as Jim sinks down to sit on the couch. “Security has already apprehended him.” He crosses the room quietly to sit next to Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Spock. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am certain that you could have apprehended both Kodos and his daughter without my assistance. You are quite adept at getting yourself out of unfavorable situations.” Spock replies. Jim laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not just that. All of this.” He gestures vaguely. “I’m just grateful that you’re the one out here with m- us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, too, am pleased with the path my life has taken.” Spock admits quietly. Jim looks up at him but doesn’t say anything, waiting for the Vulcan to continue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My time aboard the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>with you has been enlightening. I want to thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I could help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim’s not sure when they got so close, but when he turns to look at Spock, the other man is so close that Jim could count his eyelashes. Part of him wants to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spock.” He breathes, so quiet he can barely hear his own voice. The air between them crackles. Neither of them move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I find that I would like to kiss you.” Spock whispers. Jim leans forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just the epilogue left, friends!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. cross my heart and you can keep mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the wedding of the century</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is it y'all!! thanks for sticking with me on this one. it's quickly become one of my favorite things I've ever written. I love you all</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I thought this was supposed to be the easy part.” Jim groans, burying his face in Spock’s shoulder. Spock doesn’t say anything, but Jim can tell he’s amused. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am unsure as to what you are referring to.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim pulls back to glare at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could leave you here to do it yourself. You’re the XO here, I would be well within my rights. I’m sure there’s something going on in engineering that could use my attention.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is not unlikely that Lieutenant Commander Scott could use your assistance. But I imagine that Admiral Pike would be quite displeased if you were not present when he calls regarding our submission.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yeah, Jim </span>
  <em>
    <span>would </span>
  </em>
  <span>like to see Pike’s face when he realizes exactly what they’re requesting permission for. Their change in relationship status form had been filed a few years ago, now, not long after the Tarsus incident. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come. It will go faster if we complete the forms together.” Spock hands Jim another PADD. Jim takes it with a sigh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you’re right.” He settles back into the couch, pulling Spock with him. They sit quietly for a few moments, filling out form after form to get their marriage approved by Starfleet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neither of them are surprised when the door to their shared quarters slides open and T’Mai steps in, looking excited. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are completing the paperwork to receive approval for your marriage.” It’s not a question, but Jim answers anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. Why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am pleased that you finally gained the courage to ask Commander Spock to marry you.” T’Mai shrugs, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Betrayed by my only daughter.” Jim groans, fighting back his smile. He throws an arm over his face, leaning back against the couch. “Spock, go on without me. Take care of T’Mai, even though she’s a bratty teenager.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, Jim.” Spock isn’t really paying attention to either of them, but he couldn’t really be expected to at this point. The dramatics are a weekly event. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JIm’s comm chirps. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s Pike.” He laughs, then reads the message out loud. “About time. Did you tell your mother before the admiralty?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you?” T’Mai asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Winona is next on our list of individuals to contact.” Spock answers. T’Mai nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about you? Any plans for the evening?” Jim asks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am assisting Lt. Sulu in the botany labs this evening. I will see you both later.” She’s gone as quickly as she came. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sulu’s been complaining about needing an extra pair of hands for a while.” Jim murmurs. “Glad that got worked out.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree.” Spock answers. “We should call your mother. Or my parents.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s like,” JIm pauses to check the time on his PADD. “0300 on New Vulcan. And mom is on the other side of the galaxy. So it looks like we’re off the hook.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So it seems.” Spock allows. Jim grins at him before pressing a quick kiss to his mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bed?” Spock doesn’t say anything, but stands, offering Jim a hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once the forms are filed and everyone’s parents have been informed, the wedding planning starts in earnest. The Alpha bridge crew rallies with surprising interest, handling the more mundane details like tablecloths and seating arrangements. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’ve picked a date that, barring no intergalactic emergencies, means that everyone they want to be there can attend, including the siblings that Spock’s never brought up before now. And it’s not that Jim talks about Sam all the time, but he’s mentioned his brother a few times. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My apologies, Jim.” Spock says, the one time Jim mentions it. “It did not seem relevant to our discussions at the time. I assure you that I have no other secrets from you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ashayam</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, well. I love you too.” Jim grumbles. Spock reaches across the table to brush his fingers against Jim’s. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Enough of that sappy shit.” McCoy mutters, setting his tray down next to Jim’s with more force than strictly necessary. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Haven’t you heard, Bones? We’re getting married. We’re allowed.” Jim laughs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God help the rest of us.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I must return to the labs. There are several experiments that need my attention.” Spock says, gathering his tray and standing. “I will see you later, Jim. Doctor.” He nods to McCoy then reaches for another Vulcan kiss from Jim before leaving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“T’Mai stand for that mushy shit?” McCoy asks. Jim shakes his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah. She hates it. Between the Vulcan and the Kirk…” Jim trails off, laughing. McCoy rolls his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gotta admit, kid, I never thought I’d see the day I got to make fun of you for PDA.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean? Gary and I used to get in trouble for PDA.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but that didn’t mean anything, did it? Beyond shock value? Now, it’s like if you’re apart from him too long, it hurts.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Is that what it’s supposed to be like?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d like to think so. Joss and I… never really had that.” McCoy admits. “I loved her, sure, and she loved me. But what you and Spock have… it’s special, kid. Don’t waste it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim doesn’t know what to say to that, but it doesn’t seem like McCoy is really expecting an answer. They eat in silence for a few minutes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll be my best man, right, Bones? I know I should probably ask Sam, but…” Jim trails off, shrugging. He doesn’t really have an explanation, but he doesn’t feel like he needs one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About time you got to askin’.” McCoy’s voice is gruff, but his smile is genuine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right, you’re right.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that, McCoy reigns in the other senior staff members, making sure that all the details are right so that Jim and Spock can focus more on making sure the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>keeps running as smooth as she has. He seems to thrive on the work, too, and Jim is glad for it. He knows it’s been hard for his friend, being out in space, away from his home, his daughter. But the extra work keeps them all busy and, before they know it, they’re docking in San Francisco. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There are a few days of meetings with higher-ups in all manner of departments, of course. None of them seem to want to keep the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>crew there, but it’s not like any of them have much say in the matter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shuttle to Riverside arrives before they know it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had been T’Mai’s idea to hold the ceremony at the Kirk farm, right when they started talking about venues. Her argument was sound - between the farmhouse and the shipyard, there was plenty of room in Riverside for all of the guests, and the scenery in May would be gorgeous, the wildflowers at their peak. Later, Spock had admitted that he, too, had immediately thought of the farmhouse when thinking about the ceremony. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And the field in the back looks beautiful when they arrive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam and his wife had arrived a few days before the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Enterprise </span>
  </em>
  <span>docked to get the house back in order - no one had really lived in it since Jim left for the academy. But everything is dusted, the grass mowed, the fridge stocked. Jim grins at Sam for a moment before they’re both moving forward to wrap the other in a hug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s been too long, Jimmy.” Sam murmurs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Jim agress. “It has.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of their guests trickle in over the next few days - Spock’s parents and siblings, some of Jim’s cousins on his dad’s side. Sulu brings his husband and their daughter, and even Joanna makes the trip north from Georgia. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ceremony goes off without a hitch, which is more than Jim had dared to hope for. He and Spock had been bonded on New Vulcan a month or two ago - they’d been dropping supplies off to the colony and never seen the logic in delaying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jim thinks as they stand in front of Scotty in a field of flowers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I you.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I now declare you legally wed!” Scotty finishes. “You may now kiss your husband.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Jim raises his hand, expecting a Vulcan kiss. To say he’s surprised when Spock grabs his face and presses their lips together is an understatement. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow me on <a href="http://ceilingventclintbarton.tumblr.com">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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